According to psychologist Pilar Conde, finding a partner is an issue that worries many men and women between 30 and 55 years of age who come to her office. All people, explains this expert, have an important need for filiation, or emotional contact with the people around them; friends, family, couples.
And those who do not succeed suffer a common state of sadness, isolation, and even depression, associated with an "imposed singleness".
They are people who associate the relationship of a couple and the formation of a family with a life project.
If, finally, he or she considers that their sentimental loneliness is due to factors directly related to their own immutable characteristics, such as their physical, personality, or intellect, these individuals become vulnerable to depression.
Then there is the issue of age. The more experience linked to the years, the more people tend to cheat, are loaded with a backpack of prejudices, and immediately see the failures of others.
For those in their thirties, it often happens that they have tried several times without success. In this group, "there are those who are very clear that their life plans are for having a partner and believe that they should have already achieved" and unfailingly think that there is something they are not doing well.
The situation can worsen, according to the psychologist, with a drop and even a loss of self-esteem, which leads to considering those "forcibly single" that things are not going to change or that, at least, they can not do anything to change them.
In this way, they abandon the search for a partner and, therefore, the possibility of finding one.
It's not so much how you access the partner, but how you establish that relationship and on what basis it's consolidated.
It is common for some people to have difficulty finding a partner, but more people lack the tools to manage relationships.
Sometimes it is rather a question of personality and "here we could, with prudence, generalize: narcissists, histrionics, avoiders and people with suspicious traits have more problems to find a stable partner.
Finding a partner: some advice
For all those who have difficulties in finding a partner, Pilar Conde recommends the following steps:
- Before finding a partner and starting a serious relationship, feel happy with yourself.
- Love and accept yourself as you are; focus on improving what is important to you.
- Respect the life you wanted to have before meeting your partner, your friends, family, leisure, hobbies, expectations.
- Defend and respect your personal rights, as well as the rights of your partner.
- The fact that a person decides to be with us does not depend only on what we do or how we are, so that we do not do more than what really defines us.
- And, above all, don't be afraid that someone won't want to be with you: we can't all like each other.
"If we want to find someone, we have to take actions that lead us towards that goal." So when you meet someone, adjust expectations, especially with time and what it will mean if the relationship does not develop as you wanted.
Conde reiterates that it is very important to have the ability to feel good about yourself. The reality is that we will always be with ourselves and we do not know what life can bring us.
